Mama's Advice To The Love-Lorn

Greetings Nacho Mama fans

That Goddess of love and social butterfly, Mama Lillie, is here answering letters and offering advice to her fans who have problems of the heart.

Dear Mama Lillie,
I’m hoping that you can help me with this one.
My husband, Doug, (who's finally out on parole) came home to the trailer park today and told me that he wants a divorce.
So, after twenty years of common law marriage, we’re getting a divorce.
I’m keeping the trailer, six of the inside dogs, the monkey, three of the cats, and the parrot, who sounds like Doug when he says, “Fix me somthin' to eat."
And I'm keepin' three of the kids (the two that don’t wet the bed and that one with the funny twitch). The other five are goin' with Doug to his mama's, in the trailer park next door.
But I was just wonderin' when the divorce is final, are we still cousins?

Yours Truly,
Lizzie, from Winchester, VA

Dear Lizzie,
Well, first of all, get the hell out of Winchester, VA.  What’s wrong with you?
Congrats on getting to keep the parrot.  The others, not so much…
You’ll be happy to know, that accordin' to West Virginia, ('er I mean Virginia) social law, you and Doug will still be cousins. Just not kissin’ cousins…
So my child, go forth and multiply. Sounds like you’ve been doin’ that a plenty anyhow.

Ya Mama,
Mama Lillie

*****************************************************

Dear Mama,
It's me, Lizzie, again.
I've got some sad news to report.
I lost my sister/cousin and 10 of her chilren' yesterday.
They was crossin" the crick in the pick-up, and the water got real deep. 
Her husbin'  and one of the kids was saved (they was in the cab), but my sister and the 10 kids in the back drowned cause they couldn't put the tailgate down.

Thanks for bein' there for me Mama.
Lizzie in West Virginia ('er I mean Virginia)

********************************************************

Dear Mama Lillie,
I just don't know what to do!  My son, Jake, likes to play football and he's real good at it too.
He was so good the two years he were in high school, he got offered to play in the Canadian Football Leege. 
But I just can't git him to go play. Everbody has talked with about it, even sherif Cribb.
Don't matter what anybody says to him, he said he ain't going to Canada.
I just begged and begged, but Jake says he just ain't playing football over seas!
What is a mama to Mama?   

Love,
Essie

Dear Essie,
If the boy is too big to beat with a willow limb, use a broom. And tell him that even if Canada is overseas, most 
of those folks speak English. Then put his sorry ass on the boat!

Good luck,
Yer old friend, Mama Lillie